Will I Not Bleed ? by Jo Lady
"Charlie! Wake up!"
"Huh? Huh? Whatsa matter? Sleepin." Too tired for this, whatever it is.
"Charlie, I hear a noise!"
"Uh, r'frigerator." Quit shaking me you silly old woman.
"No Charlie, it's a noise. Someone's in the house!"
"OK, call the police." And let me sleep!
"Charles Bradford Hickle you get up this minute and go down there."
"OK, getting up." Shit! Now I'm coming awake.
"I think they're in the kitchen, or maybe the garage."
"They? Gladys, maybe they're after your new car." More than one?
Uh oh."No, they wouldn't want it."
"Huh? You've only driven it once. The only thing we have that's worth much. They sure don't want my old beater." Take the car, guys. It's insured. Make the streets safer for other motorists. Let me go back to sleep.
"Well, your old beater looks better right now.""What?" Oh god, what time is it? It's 2 AM! This must be a nightmare.
"It's not my fault. This cyclist was on the street! And I didn't even see him at first. Then, when I did I had to swerve, you know, so I wouldn't hit him. And some other cars got in the way."
"Gladys, we had the bike discussion last week. I told you they have a right to be on the street." I remember it well. Your shrill "Get off the street!" shouted out the window at that poor woman nearly made her wreck. "Some cars! How many cars? Oh god!"
"Three. But there wasn't anyone in them . . . they were parked." No! Well, at least no one got hurt. "No one got hurt, right Gladys?""No. But the car is. And the policeman hurt my feelings."
"Uh, Gladys, did that bike have a motor?" This is going to be expensive I think. She doesn't have her best irate look about her.
"Yes . . . Charlie, I hear it again! Do you hear it?"
"Shhhh, yes, I hear. Call the police!" Dang, sounds like they're in the the living room now.
"No. They're rude. Besides, what would the neighbors think if the police show up here at this time of the morning? They'll think you've battered me. That's what they'll think."
"Gladys, the neighbors will think it's smart to call the police when you have a burglar in your house. The will NOT think I'm battering you." Though some of them would probably like to give you a whack themselves.
"OK, I'll call them. But, you get down there!""They might have weapons." If they shoot me or stab me will I not bleed?
"Charlie, I hear them on the steps! Oh help!"
"Shhhh, I'll stand here behind the door and hit them with this lamp if they come in." Wow, some weapon. Well, better than nothing. I hear them coming. Shaking. OK . . . now!
"Charlie! No! Don't you dare hit that kitty!"
"Kitty? Kitty? Gladys, when did we get a cat?" And such a big one! After the shaking subsides the sneezing will start. "You know I'm allergic to the damn things."
"Well, I usually let him out before you get home. That cyclist must have made me forget. And don't cuss. I really need some sleep, Charlie. Please don't keep fussing and keep me awake.""GLADYS!" Between sneezing and worrying about who's going to sue us I'm sure not going to get much sleep. But, there's no point in discussing it with her tonight . . . or any time for that matter. "Goodnight dear."
"Charlie?"
"Yes Gladys?" Oh oh, here it comes.
"I was right you know. You would have looked foolish. Aren't you glad you didn't call the police?"
© Jo Taylor
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